Kathryn
31 March 2013 @ 03:26 pm
SO  
GSA audition was a few weeks ago. Long story short, I had a life epiphany.

(Copied and pasted from an email to a friend, sorry)

I've arrived at the rather late conclusion that I am not a performer and never can be one and in fact do not want to be one at all. It should have been obvious due to my crippling anxiety concerning my vocal music audition and that the thought made me physically ill and the prospect of singing in front of anyone was not something I looked forward to in the slightest and I would be miserable spending three weeks doing so. However, I pulled a pretty fucking great short story out of my ass the day before for my creative writing interview and I didn't worry about it in the slightest.

Vocal music was terrible because I was extremely nervous. I'm pretty sure I did fine on my solo, at least comparatively, but the sight reading was like sock sliding on ice, and the pitch memory was a train wreck through the nine levels of hell on loop. And the judges spent the better part of my interview talking about how great Laikin and Andrew are while I stood there like THANKS BITCHES I THINK I KNOW WHAT I DON'T WANT TO DO IN LIFE

SEE GSA IS SO LIFE CHANGING THAT YOUR LIFE CHANGES BEFORE YOU GO AND WHETHER OR NOT YOU GET IN

I was also reminded of how much I hate singers and why I was happy about quitting my choirs. Sitting there waiting with fellow vocalists was like being surrounded by a dozen Dowager Countesses of Grantham. They sound like they're making friends and informing each other of what groups they've sung in and who they know and such, but they're actually sizing each other up and thinking of how to eliminate the competition. I find that all young performers are like this and I would have been no happier in instrumental music.

CREATIVE WRITING WAS THE BEST THING EVER AND I MAY ACTUALLY BE DEVASTATED IF I DON'T GET IN FOR IT I WILL GIVE NO FUCKS ABOUT VOCAL MUSIC IT USED TO BE THE OTHER WAY AROUND

THESE ARE MY PEOPLE AND I MADE A FRIEND JUST FOR MENTIONING FANFICTION

Creative writing is the only discipline in two parts: you send in your portfolio in December, and in January you are told if you get an interview. The interviews are done in groups of six and are quite painless.

Writers are still competitive shits. But creative arts are much different from performing arts. In the latter, aptitude is easily measured by factors like intonation and flexibility and such. Actors and musicians and dancers are assessed on how they deliver someone else's work. Visual artists, architects, and writers are harder to classify. I think that all they look for is honest dedication and genuine eagerness to learn, along with basic competence.

CONCLUSION: I am a writer. Honestly, I don't know why I'm just now realising this. I've been writing since third grade, and between then and now I've quit piano, started singing, given up on guitar, quit several choirs and one orchestra—I want to write. I'm interested in radio and theatre and television. That's all I've been interested in all my life, broadly speaking. From Teen Titans and Pokemon to Downton Abbey and The Hour, from fucking Ouran High School Host Club and Twilight to A Little Night Music and Eugene Onegin. I thought it was performing it, but it wasn't. It was creating it.

THIS IS SERIOUS SHIT BRO I THINK I JUST FOUND MY PURPOSE

I EVEN THINK I'D BE HAPPY AS A JOURNALIST OR AN INSTRUCTION MANUAL WRITER IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE ART I JUST LIKE SAYING SHIT

Although, I am still interested in singing and all that, and even acting. If I were a man, I could make appearances in shit I've written like Mark Gatiss. But I'm not. So I'm going to go think of vaguely masculine European pseudonyms so people will take me seriously. J.K. Rowling had to so publishers would read her drafts, and she's already white.
 
 
Feeling: accomplished
Playing: passion: third letter - jere shea and marin mazzie
 
 
Kathryn
27 December 2012 @ 11:40 am
I have my application essays mostly finished. I'm staring at my creative writing portfolio and trying not to cry.

1. Short story for English class
2. Personal essay about identity
3. Personal essay about writing
4. Bondlock
5. Les Misérables

 
 
Feeling: anxious
 
 
Kathryn
16 December 2012 @ 09:58 pm
Bullshitting an essay is easy enough. Put down shit that sounds coherent.

Bullshitting a bullshit essay requires more thought.

I was prompted to write an essay with the title "Why I Love Being a Catholic Student." Or, "Why I Love Catholic Education." You know how I feel about that.

I had a brilliant, provocative, Freddie Lyon-style "Catholic school fucking sucks" epic planned, with verbatim from saintly Catholic teenagers and an explanation of why I still go that I hoped would disturb people. Because this is hypocrisy. This is the world, bite-sized. I have to be desensitized.

However, I don't want to be expelled.

So, I simply looked for the positive things and dragged them into paragraphs. First, we  just did the overture to The Messiah. Secondly, I can sing Christmas carols. Thirdly, we can further analyze literature and ignoring Christian allusions placed by Catholic authors is hardly thorough analysis. However, I did have to do something bold.

I quote my second paragraph: "I feel like the way that religious freedom is enforced in other environments borders on censorship. I have issues with censorship that I will not elaborate on. No one should be silenced for saying something that has the potential to make others uncomfortable." The entire paper is in gray text. The last sentence of this paragraph is left black.
 
 
Kathryn
Things Fall Apart. Nice. Great. Okay.

Person I unfortunately know: "I think I get why we're reading it, but I don't think it's really pertinent to our lives."

HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE.

IT'S FUCKING PERTINENT, YOU MOTHERFUCKING IGNORANT BASTARDS. THIS IS WHAT YOUR PEOPLE HAVE DONE. THIS IS YOUR HISTORY. YOU HAVE BLOOD AND THE DEATH OF CULTURES ALL ACROSS THE WORLD ON YOUR HANDS BECAUSE YOU IMMACULATE, ENLIGHTENED EUROPEAN CHRISTIANS WANTED TO CLEANSE THE WORLD OF EVERYTHING THAT YOU THOUGHT BELOW YOU. THIS IS WHAT THE WORLD SEES WHEN THEY SEE YOU. YOU DESTROY EVERYTHING YOU TOUCH BECAUSE OF YOUR PRESUMPTION.

But of course you don't understand that. You even look down on the once sacred, cherished traditions of these people. “That's Africa,” you say with a sneer. They lived in their own community, away from you. You went out. You sought them to force them to change. You don't understand.

The worst part of all of this is that YOU CAN'T READ THIS OBJECTIVELY. YOU ARE A CHRISTIAN. I KNOW WHAT YOU SEE. I WAS RAISED ONE OF YOU. You see this resistance to conversion and the lives lost in said resistance as a sad side effect to a grander end. After all, why stop the spread of your great religion? It's only good. A culture is eroded away, but they've found God. WE WERE FINE FUCKING DANDY WITHOUT GOD. WE. I AM MAKING THIS PERSONAL.

As an obedient little Catholic, I was able to shrug off the Spanish colonization of the Philippines that basically forced all of my ancestors to reject the animism they thought holy for fear of persecution on their own land. I was able to shrug off the possibility that my female ancestors were raped by Europeans after being coerced into a marriage ceremony they could not understand and never could have consented to. I was able to shrug it off because that's how I found God. Never mind that it was forced upon those before me by strangers. I'm a Catholic because of it. I'm a Catholic because a self aggrandizing white man saw an “exotic” Asian woman of a child birthing age and took her. I'm a Catholic because mestizo children were taken from their mother's own identity and planted into a completely alien culture and belief system before they could think. I was okay with that. I accepted it as another trouble in my heritage that I should be proud of. It was okay. IT' S NOT FUCKING OKAY. IF THERE'S ANYONE IN ALL OF SPACE AND TIME WHOSE PARENTS I WANT TO COCKBLOCK, IT'S FERDINAND MAGELLAN.

AND AMERICAN IMPERIALISM. IS IT BAD OF ME THAT I HATE MCKINLEY SO MUCH THAT THE BALLAD OF CZOLGOSZ IS MY FAVORITE SONG FORM ASSASSINS. I HATE HIM SO MUCH. I REALLY AND ACTUALLY HATE HIM. WE DID NOT NEED YOU TO FUCKING UPLIFT, CIVILIZE, AND CHRISTIANIZE US YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE

DO YOU WANT TO BRING UP RELIGION YOU MOTHERFUCKING CATHOLIC I'M NOT EVEN GOING TO TELL YOU MY RATIONALIZATION ABOUT THEISM BECAUSE YOU WON'T FUCKING LISTEN EVEN THOUGH I AM NOT CALLING YOU WRONG BUT YOU ARE SO FUCKING CLOSE MINDED THAT I WILL NOT WASTE MY BREATH

I AM NOT TELLING YOU THAT I HATE YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE WHITE. I HATE YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE STUPID. I HATE YOU BECAUSE YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT IT MEANS TO BE WHITE. YOU ARE SO STUPID THAT YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT ABOUT YOUR OWN IDENTITY.

I'M MOST PISSED BECAUSE YOU ARE EXACTLY LIKE THESE PEOPLE. ASSUMING YOU'RE RIGHT. YOU'RE EGGING ON THOSE ANGLICAN MISSIONARIES BECAUSE YOU APPARENTLY BELIEVE THE SAME GOD. YOU DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT OKONKWO'S CONFLICT BECAUSE IT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER TO YOU BECAUSE HE REJECTED YOUR GOD; HE'S NO ONE IMPORTANT. JUST ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE STUBBORN NON BELIEVERS.

I FUCKING HATE THIS COMPLAINT: "The first part was excessive. I skipped through most of it. It wasn't really relevant to the rest of the book. I thought the missionaries would come sooner."

DO YOU HEAR YOUR FUCKING ATTITUDE THIS IS THAT BEAUTIFUL CULTURE BEFORE YOUR KIND TOUCHED IT AND YOU DON'T GIVE ENOUGH SHITS TO CONSIDER THAT MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, THEY HAD A LIFE BEFORE THEY "FOUND GOD"

YOU ARE EXACTLY THE SAME AS THOSE ANGLICAN MISSIONARIES. DISREGARDING WHAT IS AND NOT GIVING A SHIT AND NOT SEEING THESE PEOPLE AS PEOPLE AND I HATE YOU ALL AND YOU DISGUST ME

When you say you don't like this book, you say it's because it's irrelevant to you.

When I say that I'm not impressed by this book, it's because I've seen this attitude just from sitting in a private, white-dominated Catholic school. It's because I am enduring the effects of this attitude. It's because I know this shit already and it is absolutely nothing new.

It's so relevant to you. It's a portrait of who you are. This is what you are in the world.
 
 
Feeling: pissed off
 
 
Kathryn
01 December 2012 @ 08:47 pm
Ugh.  
My mother and I got into an argument because I was singing "Bohemian Rhapsody."

To be precise, my mother attacked me for singing "Bismillah."

Perhaps the thing that turned me away from Catholicism was hearing great, hopeful things with a group of people who believed such things and loved their neighbors, then seeing them behave as despicably and hatefully as anyone else the minute they step out of the church.

Of course, reason caught up to me and I abandoned theism as a whole.

I can admire religion. There's something really uplifting about the unity that comes with shared belief. It actually makes me smile when a group does something for others in the name of their great faith. But the religious people I've been around are the biggest hypocrites I've ever seen.
 
 
Feeling: disappointed
 
 
Kathryn
23 November 2012 @ 11:17 pm
Ladies and gentlemen, if we cannot debate that which troubles our society, and more importantly troubles our government, then we cannot in all honesty call ourselves a democracy. If we cannot question our leaders as they embark on what has been called an illegal military action, an action publicly opposed by the United States government and the countries of the United Nations Security Council. If we cannot reasonably and intelligently query about the rightness of an action that appears at heart to be deceitful then we are not a free...
Recently, I began watching BBC Two's The Hour. My reasons were that Ben Whishaw is attractive, Romola Garai is attractive, Dominic West is attractive, Anna Chancellor is attractive, and PERIOD DRAMA. Andrew Scott and Burn Gorman were just cherries on top.

I was a bit wary for the first two or three episodes. It was all over the place. Was it a fun “let's put on a show” drama or a government conspiracy thriller? Frankly, it was only Ben Whishaw's face keeping me watching. However, as the seemingly random plots of “soviets in the BBC” and “promising new programme” fell into place, the overarching, opening lines of “If we cannot debate that which troubles our society, and more importantly troubles our government, then we cannot, in all honesty, call ourselves a democracy” drifted back in order to haunt.

The most despicable thing that someone in a position of authority can do is oppress their charges. The most despicable violation of liberty comes in the form of censorship. It isn't just censorship. Censorship does more than silence. It drives you to fear even thinking outside of approved boundaries. It prevents freedom inside the confines of your own mind.

Oftentimes, direct does not happen. But by telling someone that you are right and anything other than agreement is undesirable for them, you are stopping them from thinking beyond a closed area.

And it is sickening.

It is worse when they deny that they are imprisoning people. They claim to be a light to this dark world, enlightening others, saving them. What enlightenment is there if you're blinding them to everything else?

It is worse still when they know that they are wrong to do so and continue. They cover their shame with even more lies.
 
 
Feeling: frustrated
 
 
Kathryn
13 November 2012 @ 08:32 pm
I'm not sure where to start.

The religion course I'm required to take this year is taught from a textbook called Our Moral Life Through Christ. I really hate this particular textbook, and it has been the most effective in alienating me from faith. Recently, we covered a chapter that emphasized the evils of moral relativism.

Firstly, I understand the paradox of relativism: the absolute statement of "everything is relative" shits on itself so many times. However, I am a major subscriber to that school of thought. The lack of universal order in the world leads me to think that there is no inherent power of good "written on our hearts" or whatever drivel the Church harps about. Anyway, I was especially irked by the textbook, so I further researched the matter.

This is what the esteemed Pope has to say on the matter:
Today, a particularly insidious obstacle to the task of education is the massive presence in our society and culture of that relativism which, recognizing nothing as definitive, leaves as the ultimate criterion only the self with its desires. And under the semblance of freedom it becomes a prison for each one, for it separates people from one another, locking each person into his or her own 'ego.'
I've never wanted to punch somebody more. Dissecting this, though I do not want to look at this any closer than necessary, I see nothing that makes sense. What he says seems to have an ultimate goal of unity, ("separating persons into their own egos") but what is that unity? He speaks of the Church-approved, unquestioned though diet followed blindly by the Messiah's dear "sheep."

Later, he also said
In the last century we experienced revolutions with a common programme–expecting nothing more from God, they assumed total responsibility for the cause of the world in order to change it. And this, as we saw, meant that a human and partial point of view was always taken as an absolute guiding principle. Absolutizing what is not absolute but relative is called totalitarianism. It does not liberate man, but takes away his dignity and enslaves him. It is not ideologies that save the world, but only a return to the living God, our Creator, the Guarantor of our freedom, the Guarantor of what is really good and true.
"Absolutizing what is not absolute but relative is called totalitarianism." Excuse me, Ratzinger, did you ever learn about "totalitarianism" in school?

I take issue with his insistence that those who think morality is relative are imprisoned. I truly do not understand what he is saying. Is he saying that by thinking, we are somehow cutting ourselves off from others? Why is being in the minority of morality so different from preferring purple over blue, when the masses like blue? I am not imprisoned. I have never felt freer since I rejected god. I see nothing wrong with assuming responsibility for the travesties or miracles of the world. People thank him for fortune, and say "He allows it for a reason" when tragedy strikes. What omnipresent, good god would allow such things? It's suddenly not God's fault when something bad happens

I an not fucking imprisoned. I'm perfectly fine. The only time I feel imprisoned is when I can't honestly say my opinion in classes unrelated to religion for fear of expulsion.

Continuing.

I have a friend. You can say that she's the first true friend I've ever had, but I see the beginnings of the end. I've begun doubting whether this has been a beneficial friendship, given that she is one of the most narrow-minded people I know, despite what she claims. Today, another friend and I were joking about our lack of an after life. She was not part of the conversation. We did not indicate to her that she had any valid input. "No, you're going to heaven, with me!" she insisted. "Or purgatory." We gave her a look. "Oh, you're not an atheist," she chided me.

I am pissed.

"You don't say that," my other friend warned. "I'm joking!" she laughed it off.

I am pissed.

This is not the first altercation we've had over faith. Two occasions stand out in my mind: "You have no proof that there's a god." "You don't have any that there isn't!"

Okay, bitch. Lack of proof indicates that there is nothing to support it at all. You prove that something doesn't exist by showing that there is no proof that it does. If we'd been talking about multi-ungulated tapirs from Mars that mate with snakes hatched from beneath chickens in order to produce the bane of mankind, she would have said that they don't exist because there is no evidence.

Secondly, and this especially enraged me: she pulled me aside one day, and told me in the most condescending manner imaginable, "There's no way for you to be sure what you believe. You can't be sure. You're too young."

I flipped her off. What I meant to say was, "How are you so sure, then?"

She seems to think that I woke up one day and said, "I'm an atheist." No. This has been happening for fifteen years. She did not care enough to listen.

When I say that she's narrow-minded, I mean this: she does not listen to anything that sounds remotely uncomfortable for her. I have attempted to discuss philosophy and politics with her. I thought her a lover of art. I held her with a respect, believing that she respected me as her equal as well. 

She learned what existentialism was a month ago whilst reading The Fault in Our Stars. She has freely admitted, in regard to multiple topics: "I've heard you mention it, but I wasn't paying attention." 

I would believe that. I mean, I don't remember every little conversation we've had. But I remember most of them. She dismisses my interest in art and my attempts to introduce her to it as pompousness. She dismisses my opinions of the universe as mere pessimism that she thinks I'll get over. Five years, and she has not listened to a word I've said.

I was sort of proud of my short story for English class. I gave it to her to revise, but I quietly hoped that it would set her thinking. "That's nice," she said lazily, shoving it back into my hands.

It was about indoctrination in a society full of citizens who do not question authority. It was about those citizens who are so close minded that they carry out the intolerance instilled in their minds since they could think in the name of their nation, their honor, their faith. It was about how these two, the sheep and the shepherd, treated those who did not agree with them.

She asks me if I'm angry with her. I am not. I am disappointed.
 
1 | [+]
 
Kathryn
11 November 2012 @ 10:10 pm
 I don't understand high school sexual experimentation. Why you would even have a relationship in high school? Sentiment aside, wouldn't you want to have a satisfying sexual encounter with someone older and more experienced than you, rather than fumble about awkwardly with someone as unpracticed and young as you are? I'm not saying that high schoolers should go around propositioning to thirty-somethings at bars. Wait until after high school.
 
 
Feeling: thoughtful
Playing: Sunday in the Park with George: Sunday
 
 
Kathryn
07 November 2012 @ 06:22 pm
Fleeing here in case Tumblr and/or LiveJournal is compromised. Hi. My name is Kathryn. I'm an Asian-American high school student hoping to major in music. I sing and play the cello, and I think up stories that will never be written. For the most part, though, I'm a multi-fandom blogger who fancies herself an intellectual. Then again, I thought so in middle school, so I suppose that could not quite be true. What are labels? INFP, Gryffindor, atheist, Libertarian. Et cetera, et cetera. If you want to see musings of a similar vein, here is my potentially defunct LJ. Hell, this may be a proper move from LJ to DW.
 
 
Feeling: blah
Location: asgard
Playing: follies: too many mornings - nathan gunn and audra mcdonald